


The Call of the Void

by breathe_out



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23114332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathe_out/pseuds/breathe_out
Summary: Jay’s guilt finally gets the best of him. He feels the need to punish himself for the lives that have been taken because of him.Warning for self-harm.
Relationships: Jay/Timothy "Tim" W.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 78





	The Call of the Void

Jay never considered how he would die. 

The thought was far from his mind when he was younger. Then, he dug through his closet and found a box of dozens of tapes. None of them were labeled, but he immediately knew what they were. At first, it had been to satisfy his nostalgia; an old reminder of better days in college. Alex had fussed over Marble Hornets from the minute that he got the assignment in their introductory film class. He had begged for his friends to participate. They had all agreed, although some a bit more reluctantly than others. Once Alex had his hand on a proper camera, they began filming a movie that would take months to produce. They met for screen tests, wrote the screenplay together, and traveled to countless woodsy locations to scout out the perfect setting. 

However, it had been abruptly dropped in the middle of production. After so much time and effort placed into the film, Jay wondered why it had never been completed. None of the actors had gotten a chance to ever see the movie for themselves. The moment Alex transferred to another university, they never heard from him again. So, Jay felt the need to finally sate his curiosity once he unearthed those tapes. What he had never expected is to rip open Pandora’s box.

Then, everything changed for the worse. 

Over the years, Jay was exposed to a lot of death. His friends, for starters, always slipped through his fingers. The few people he recognized in college; Brian, Amy, Seth – they were all gone. Alex had led them to their ultimate demise one-by-one. After all, they had no reason to suspect that Alex – their nerdy, lovable friend – meant them any harm. 

Later, Jessica was lost to Jay, too. She was doomed from the first moment they had met. She never deserved to be dragged into such an abhorrent nightmare, but it seemed like he carried an infective disease that seemed to latch onto anyone near him. 

Therefore, Jay learned to isolate himself. It was never worth risking someone else’s life. Besides, he doubted that his soul could take much more torment. Losing Jessica had been the hardest on him. They had barely known each other; they were strangers drawn together in the worst circumstances imaginable. But Jay had grown admittedly attached to her. It wasn’t even a romantic notion that drove him to find her, just a sense of desperation and guilt that kept him going. 

How many people had been killed because of his damn curiosity? 

Tim had somewhat lessened the loneliness, but the man seemed to hate his guts. It was probably because it was entirely Jay’s fault that he had been pulled back into this. Although Tim’s mental health hadn’t been the best as a child, he had obviously recovered as he aged. That is, until Jay ripped open the wound. Sometimes his cheek still throbbed from where Tim had punched him in the parking lot. He had taken the abuse without much of a fight. He fully believed that he had deserved it. 

Of course, their relationship began to steadily improve once they started to cooperate. Jay felt that it was purely out of necessity, though. They were safer together than they were on their own. Once Alex threatened their lives, they had no choice but to go on the road. They moved from hotel to shitty hotel across the state and subsisted on gas station food and junk. 

Jay rested uneasily at night. He stared into dark corners until his corneas burned. Sleeping only brought forth a bombardment of nightmares that would waken him in a cold sweat. He was so completely exhausted that shadows had begun to shift on their own in the darkness. Sometimes he lay paralyzed with fear, unable to move or speak. Tim often snoozed obliviously, only feet away in his own bed, but Jay had never dared to call for him. Why would he try? At best, Tim tolerated him; at worse, he absolutely loathed Jay. But it was understandable. Jay’s self-hatred was quick to justify it. After all, he had as much blood on his hands as Alex Kralie. 

One particular night, Jay stood in front of the bathroom mirror in another motel. Tim had long since fallen asleep. The only sound was the air conditioner in the bedroom. His reflection stared back tiredly. The dark circles that hung under his eyes further extenuated his pale skin. His clothes hung off his thinning frame lamely. He brushed a shaky hand through his hair. Tears stung the back of his eyes. The texture of his skin felt smooth under his fingertips as he slid them over his face. Something hot and ugly swelled inside his chest. So many other people deserved to be alive – he was never one of them. 

In a sudden rush of sick desperation, he grabbed a shaving razor lying on the sink. Tim often set them aside to use the next morning. He flicked off the plastic cap that covered the blade and shoved aside his right sleeve. A second of hesitation never passed through him. His mind was a deep hole of guilt that he could never imagine himself ascending from. He was suffocating, gasping, and crying all at once. Everything else faded away as his focus centered on the exposed flesh of his pale forearm. He slid the tiny blade over his skin again and again. Blood beaded on top of the shallow cuts, until it began to pool and run down to his elbow in crimson rivulets. The white tile on the floor was soon marred by dozens of red droplets. Flecks of blood were on his clothes, the sink, the rug under his bare feet. 

Then – something hard tackled him from the side. It sent him reeling to the floor as a wave of dizziness overwhelmed him. The razor was wrenched from his grasp. It clattered across the room in a blur of sound and motion. Jay’s brain was too sluggish to realize what had happened. A white towel was pressed firmly against his arm. He absently wondered if the blood would permanently stain it. 

His wandering train of thought was interrupted by rapid cursing. Jay blinked back the black spots threatening to consume his vision to finally see Tim’s worried expression hovering near him. 

Tim had crouched in front of him to try and staunch the bleeding. His guilt only hardened into despondence as he considered why Tim would even bother saving him. He had done nothing but make everything worse. Jay could only silently watch as the cheap towel absorbed his blood. He noticed that it was turning red very quickly. The sharp sting of pain from his wounds eased some of the tension in his chest, but it was quickly being replaced by sorrow. They met each other’s eyes for the first time since Tim stormed into the bathroom. The sheer amount of concern and hurt reflected back at Jay made him finally break. He didn’t deserve for someone to look at him with such care.

Endless sobs wracked his thin shoulders. Tim pulled him in tightly, closing his arms around him in a tender embrace. He gently shushed him and massaged soothing circles on his back. Jay buried his face into Tim’s chest, clutching onto his flannel shirt like a lifeline. Tim simply held Jay as he cried. He never expected such kindness from Tim – after all, the man had every possible reason to loath him. 

Tim, who so desperately tried to live a normal life outside of his serious mental issues, until Jay had pulled him back in. 

Jay, who was so selfish that he clung onto Tim to push away the desolate loneliness that had sunk its claws into him years ago. 

A long time ago, they’d both chosen paths that diverted from their pasts. Tim had chosen to forge a better future for himself, despite his traumatizing upbringing. Jay had decided to delve back into a student film that was best left forgotten. Yet they had ultimately been brought back together by the same never-ending nightmare.

Eventually, after minutes had passed in silence, Tim exhaled shakily. “Why?” He whispered. His voice broke; Jay felt him shudder against him. 

Jay licked his chapped lips. His mind supplied a dozen of answers, but none seemed satisfactory in the gravity of Tim’s question. He suddenly wished that he could melt into the floor. Jay slumped into Tim and shook his head instead. Tears were still falling down his cheeks and he didn’t trust himself to speak.

“Jay?” Tim tugged at his clothes to pull him back, but Jay didn’t want to look at him. 

Instead, he sighed wearily. “Why do you care?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” 

Tim's unusually soft tone made his previous apprehension towards the other man falter. At last, Jay sat back to look at him. The edge of the tub dug into his shoulder blades. Tim’s expression spoke volumes; he was very obviously hurt. Jay had expected anger or resentment, but not pain. Whatever fight remained in him seemed to slip away at that moment. 

“I-I feel like you’ve always hated me.” Jay admitted. His gaze swept to the floor, where spots of his blood had been smeared across the tile. 

Tim let out a soft breath that sounded like he’d been punched in the stomach. “I could never hate you.” 

Jay scoffed. “You must have hated me at some point. It’s my fault that you’re here in the first place.” 

Ever so softly, Tim tilted Jay’s head back up. The emotions that flashed between them were nothing but genuine and sincere. Words died in Jay’s throat as he gazed at the man in front of him.

“I may have been frustrated or angry with you at one point or another.” Tim winced, most likely remembering their argument in the parking lot. It felt like it had happened forever ago. “But I never hated you. In fact, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.” He rubbed the back of his neck shyly. 

Jay could only nod dumbly in response. His thoughts sped through his brain at a million miles an hour, but none of them made sense. Tim sighed when he removed the towel from Jay’s arm. The fabric stuck to his skin uncomfortably and irritated the cuts. The wounds were still bleeding, although not quite as profusely. Tim still appeared worried as he examined the abused flesh. 

“We should get you to a doctor.” He said.

Jay shook his head left and right. “No, we can’t. It’s too dangerous.”

“But, Jay…” 

“No.” 

The thought of leaving the safety of their hotel room made him anxious. He pulled away from Tim and wrapped his arms around his midsection, ignoring the blood soaking through his clothes. He was trembling like a leaf in the wind. 

“Okay, okay - no hospitals.” Tim conceded. “But you have to let me clean your arm.” 

Jay said nothing as Tim climbed to his feet to search through the bathroom cabinet for medical supplies. After fumbling through several generic brands of everyday items and towels stocked by the hotel, Tim returned to sit in front of him with a container of alcohol and a roll of cheap bandages. 

“This is going to sting.” Tim warned. 

“S’okay.” Jay murmured. He watched Tim turn the alcohol over to dampen a clean towel. Deep down, he knew that he deserved the incoming agony. 

Ever so gently, Tim supported his arm and dabbed the towel over his wounds. Jay hissed through his teeth and bit his lip until the taste of copper flooded his tongue. Tears sprung to his eyes again, but he held them at bay. Tim grimaced in sympathy and continued to clean the cuts. A heavy weight seemed to settle back in Jay’s chest as Tim’s soft-spoken words reverberated through his head.

_I don’t know what I would do without you._

He felt vaguely nauseous and dizzy; his skin was clammy and cold all at once. The room was beginning to tilt and spin. Jay laid back to rest his neck against the tub. His eyelids fluttered shut. He tried to focus on the simple act of breathing in and out, as well as the pain that lanced through his body. The tender ministrations of his only friend and companion were somewhat comforting. He couldn’t recall a time that he had been cared for by someone else. 

When Tim finished wrapping the bandage around his forearm, Jay had nearly fallen into an uneasy sleep. 

“Jay?” Tim shook his shoulder. “Let’s get you in bed. Can you walk?” 

Jay cracked his eyes open and squinted against the fluorescent bathroom light. He felt entirely drained and exhausted, but he nodded anyway. Tim stood and grasped his hand. Jay relied heavily on his strength to pull him upward. His own body had turned into a leaden weight. He stumbled to hit feet and swayed dangerously to the side. Everything began swirling into a mass of garbled white color as his vision swam. 

Fortunately, Tim was ready to catch him. As soon as Jay’s knees started to buckle, Tim reached out to wrap his arms securely around him. Jay was so out of it that he had become the equivalent of a human rag doll. His ears were ringing; darkness threatened to overwhelm him completely once Tim moved him to one of the motel beds. The bedroom felt like an entirely different dimension. It was cool, quiet, and comfortable compared to the stale air and horror still evident in the bath. 

Tim lowered Jay onto the closest mattress, which had been his own bed until moments ago. The scent of cigarette smoke and cheap deodorant filled Jay’s senses. He sighed and buried his face into the pillows. The smell eased his previous anxiety and replaced it with a rare sensation of calm. Tim lowered several thin comforters over Jay’s shivering form and sat heavily on the side of the bed. He gazed at the young man next to him as a strange feeling of protectiveness descended over him. Jay appeared so fragile – so small and delicate – under the mountain of covers piled on top of him. 

Guilt stirred in his heart; maybe he had been too hard on Jay before this point. Between the constant fear and paranoia, it was easy to forget that neither of them ever wanted to participant in this nightmare. Alex had decided that for them. They were both small and human in the ultimate shadow of the faceless monster that hunted them. Tim should have never ignored Jay’s increasingly odd quietness over the past months. 

They were supposed to work together. What kind of partner was he if he so easily swept aside his only friend?

Tim sighed heavily and moved to get off the bed. He flinched when something pulled him back. Jay’s weak fingers clutched at his wrist. A glint of fear was present in his eyes. 

“Stay – please.” Jay pleaded. 

For a second he was too stunned to respond. They had only shared a bed once, when funds had been tight a long time ago. During those days, they had been struggling to make it day-to-day with the little money they had. Although things had improved and they were eventually able to afford two beds again, Tim never admitted that sleeping so close to someone else felt genuinely comforting. So, wordlessly, he stood to shut the bathroom light off and close the door. They could face those demons in the morning. Right then, all either of them wanted to do was rest their weary minds. 

Tim climbed into the bed, right beside Jay. It was a tight fit since it was only a twin, but neither of them complained. Their legs brushed against each other and their faces were only inches apart. Jay finally allowed himself to fully relax into the sheets once Tim was by his side. Only the sound of their combined breathing and the air conditioner filled the room. 

“I promise that we’re going to get through this, Jay.” Tim whispered. 

For the first time in far too long, Jay managed to smile (albeit very smally). He could see the outline of Tim’s face so closely in the blackness. “Together?” He asked.

“Always.”


End file.
